A Nut Job's In The Dressing Room

I've been feeling a little down on my luck lately. In the last month, my husband and I have had to replace our computer and dishwasher, and yesterday, we woke up to no hot water. I had been watching the dollars disappear from our savings account and was totally annoyed that we'd have yet another expense to fix or replace a potentially defunct hot water heater. Well, let me tell ya', that was nothing compared to the horror I experienced later that day.

After having successfully avoided this task for the last five years, I bit the bullet and went shopping for a new swimming suit. I'm so overdue for one. I've been wearing the same suit I bought when I was three months pregnant five years ago. Yes, that's right. The logical conclusion that you can reach from that is that, right now, I weigh approximately what I did when I was three months pregnant. I am very annoyed with this fact but apparently not annoyed enough to do something about it and lose the weight. So, anyhoo, the swimsuit I've had for the last five years is now finally a bit too big. Actually, I'm not even sure that is totally accurate. It may just be that it's so old and worn that the fabric just isn't as taut as it used to be. In any case, it just doesn't fit well anymore and it's worn out enough that it's embarrassing going to the pool with it on. (We live in Texas where it's already in the 90s - ergo this talk of swimming.)

So, off to the store I went. I picked out a few suits that I thought I might look decent in and went into the dressing room. I got naked, took one look in the mirror, and...OH, THE HORROR! I couldn't believe what I was looking at - it was me, but fat and really very unsightly. But, I thought perhaps there was still hope. Maybe, just maybe, a brightly colored swimsuit would cover up some of the folds of flesh. Ok, NO. Not at all.

In fact, I looked so awful that I actually found myself laughing at my image in the mirror...cracking up, really,...and making all sorts of loud exclamations of disbelief at what I was seeing: "Good Lord, I am SOOOO FAT!!" "How did this happen?? I AM A COW!!" "Where are my muscles? Have they gone on vacation or something?? They are gone!" "WHEN did this happen? When did I morph into....THIS??" And all the while I was laughing hysterically.

Suddenly, I heard two store clerks laughing, and I heard one say softly to the other: "Dude, there's a nut job in that dressing room."

I guess I can take solace in someting. I may be fat, but my hearing is still top notch.