Seeing Your Fat Ass on TV

...is great motivation for getting back into your workout routine after the flu:-(

For those of you that don't know, I compete in Iron Cupcake challenges here in Milwaukee. This summer, a local food show called Wisconsin Foodie filmed me and two other bakers preparing for our sugary battle. Today, it aired and my large ass (in all it's glory) was the only thing I saw. Nice triple chin too:-(

And so, it is back to getting up at 5 a.m. in front of the DVD player to walk my pounds away. Luckily, I didn't gain back any of my 10 pound loss from September however, I didn't lose more in October either. So, come on November!!! Make me fabulous for 40!!

Allergies strike again...

There are a few things in my life recently that have made me take a hard look at my physical health and start to make some changes.

First and foremost, I'm about to leave for Germany for a family reunion of sorts on my dad's side of the family. My aunt, his sister, turns 80 soon, and we all decided to take the trip to celebrate with her. My dad, who was born and lived in Germany until he was 26, hasn't been back to the Fatherland since he visited me when I studied there in 1990 - that's 19 years. So, my parents and my family are all traveling there together which I am very much looking forward to. In any case, my relatives there are your typically stylish Europeans, and at 38, I decided it was time to get into shape and start my quest to be age-appropriately cute so I don't look like a completely frumpy schmuck overseas.

Second, as I approach 40, there are some aspects of the way my body looks and feels that I can simply no longer tolerate. For example, I no longer wish to be slightly overweight and definitely out of shape. The muscles of my youth are almost nonexistent, and I wouldn't mind seeing a trace of them again. It's funny...I sing a lot in front of my son, because he enjoys it, and recently I taught him, "My Bonny Lies Over the Ocean." Since then, my son sings it on his own, but at 4, can't quite remember the words. I cracked up hysterically when I heard his version of the chorus, which I have since adopted as my exercise mantra:

Give back! Give back! Give back my body to me, to me!
Give back! Give back! Oh, give back my body to me!

Probably the most troubling aspect of my physical appearance is that I still have a pizza face, still struggle with acne after all of these years. I decided that I'd research and find a solution to this problem first, since, well, this is the issue about my health that, frankly, really pisses me off the most when I think about it.

After doing some online research, I discovered that adult acne can be caused by food allergies. This struck a nerve with me, because my son has food allergies. I've always blamed my husband's side of the family for his problems, because my husband's father and sister both struggle with plant and food allergies. On a whim, I decided to get myself tested at my son's allergy doctor.

Well, as it turns out, I am the source of most of my son's allergy problems! The results of my tests showed that I am allergic to a host of tree, grass, and weed pollens, dust mites, and also quite a few foods, including soy, chocolate (KILL ME NOW!), shellfish, peanuts, and tomatoes (OK, I am 25% Italian and LOVE tomatoes - I CAN NOT DEAL WITH THIS ONE). These initial results also indicate that I am probably allergic to other foods as well. Next week, I'll have my last round of food allergy testing done.

For the last few weeks, I've done my best to avoid the foods I'm allergic to, and I've noticed my skin has improved some, but, even more dramatically, my energy level has increased a lot. Furthermore, since my early 20s, I've had occasional neck and back pain and also joint pain. These problems have also improved lately. My allergy doctor says those are all common complaints from food allergy sufferers. Imagine that, I always thought my problems were due to getting a little bit older and not staying in good physical shape, but the culprit was mostly FOOD. Unbelievable.

As far as my acne goes, I paid (yet another) visit to my dermatologist and essentially told him, that's it, I've had it with acne, I want it gone. So - and, pardon my French, I don't know why the HELL he didn't do this earlier - he did some really gross test (don't read this part if you're eating right now as I just may induce your gag reflex!) in which he poked a bunch of my zits, squeezed some puss out of them, and sent the goo off to a lab to be tested. Apparently, if one suffers from acne for a long period of time, it can become resistant to the medication/topical treatment one is using. Sure enough, my acne turned out to be resistant to the prescription foam wash I had been using. So, now I am using a new topical lotion and it is working much better. I am happy to say, there has been a definite improvement in my skin and I've only been using the lotion for about 2 or 3 weeks.

All of this has taught me an important lesson. It's so important to be proactive about one's health. I always thought I was, but apparently not enough. In the past, I'd always hated running off to the doctor for something unless I was really suffering. Clearly, this is the wrong approach. I've been quite amazed at how I've been able to make some wonderful improvements in the quality of my life and health. And I'm proud of myself for taking the initial steps that have generated those results.

Freak of Nature

Unfortunately, I have not lost any weight this month:-( Taking a couple weeks off of my workout to be sick is no fun, no fun and not effective. Now, I didn't gain any weight either so, that's good.

On a related topic, I have been skipping periods left and right. Last month was the first one I had since November! Yikes! I knew I wasn't pregnant because I tested frequently. Now, I am two weeks late again. It's a little unnervering. Last year, I was put on the pill for excessive menstral pain but I have been off of them since August. I am only going to be 39 so I don't think it is perimenipause yet. My doctor says it's hormones but, am I not too young? Has anyone else experienced this?

Other than that, I feel great. I have energy again and I spring out of bed in the morning. I get tons done and I even enjoy doing it. It's just this pesky little thing that is bugging me. So blogosphere...lend me your thoughts. Am I a freak of nature?

It's time to hit the panic button

The decision has been made. The tickets have been booked. My parents, my 4-yr. old son, and I will travel to Germany this summer to stay with my German relatives for a little over two weeks.

My dad (who lived in Germany until he was in his 20s) still has family there. This visit is mostly about a birthday celebration for his sister, my Aunt Erika, who will turn 80 while we are there. My dad, who is 73, also wants to go back to his hometown of Detmold "one last time." We'll stay with my aunt's son, Martin, my only first cousin. He's 50-something, married, and has 3 boys, one of whom, Christian, is my godson.

I haven't been to Germany in 4 long years. For me, that's quite the lengthy span of time. Since my husband and I are both German teachers, we've studied there and taken students there umpteen million times. For a while, we were going to Germany or Austria at least once a year. Then, it dropped down to once every 2 years. The last time I was there, was when my son was six months old back in 2005.

Most people would be jumping for joy about the thought of spending some summer fun days in Europe. And I am definitely pumped to go. Besides the fact that I find Germany to be one of the most beautiful countries in the world, my language skills really need the refresher. Plus, I love my aunt dearly. When I spent a year studying in Germany back in college, she was my mom for that year. Whenever I needed anything, I called her. I visited her often and we became extremely close. I also really enjoy being with my cousin and his family.

I've officially hit the panic button, though. And there's a definite sense of dread in the back of my mind.

You see, my aunt is a very attractive, classy lady and always has been. Still is, even at almost 80. She has a small but beautifully decorated home nestled in the hills in the outskirts of the little town of Detmold. On nice days, you can sit out on her terrace surrounded by her carefully tended roses (her name, by the way, is Erika Rose and she's very into roses and flowers in general, as most Germans are) look out onto the hills and hear cowbells ring as herds come down from their hilltop pastures at the end of the day. It's a lovely, very peaceful setting.

BUT...as far back as I can remember of my visits to Germany (they started when I was 16), my aunt and my cousin's wife have this very annoying habit of commenting on various aspects of my physical appearance each and every time I am there. My hair, my skin, and my weight seem to be the usual topics of choice. I hear both their praises and criticisms, both of which, to be perfectly honest, annoy me equally as much.

I really find no need to comment on a specific part of a person's physical appearance. Perhaps the occasional - "Did you get a hair cut? It looks great!" - but that's it. I suppose it's because my own physical appearance has its flaws, so why would I wish to comment on anyone else's? I know I'm self-conscious about my own and I certainly wouldn't want to make anyone else feel the same misery I have felt at times by pointing out theirs.

My aunt and cousin's wife have always thought that I was too thin or too heavy, my skin looked great or it just outright didn't (I suffer from adult acne), and I either have a cute hairstyle or it "looks like it needs something."

So, here is the present state of my physical appearance (and it's not all that great): I'm 5'7 and about 140 lbs. That may not sound that heavy to you but it's the heaviest I've ever been in my life, and I'm not thrilled with it, let me tell you. The weight is also mostly unsightly fat around the gut, and the rest of me is just plain flabby and out of shape. My skin is a nightmare lately. I'm 38 and still have acne. It's awful. I've seen a dermatologist for it in the past and just went back the other day, because it's gotten so bad again. It makes me feel like I look dirty to people even though I wash my face religiously twice a day and know it's all about hormones, but other people frequently give me that "why don't you try washing your face" look. My hair is the only thing I've been satisfied with as of late. It's a little too long but otherwise no major complaints.

So, as far as my weight and my skin go, I can already hear the comments from my relatives overseas. And, even though I know I shouldn't allow my self esteem to succumb to their criticisms, I've decided to do something about it.

I've started to walk to try to drop a few pounds. My goal is 30 minutes per day, 5 days per week. Heaven knows, my body needs it. It also desperately needs strength training, so tomorrow is my day to start some weight training. I've been meaning to get into some healthier physical habits for years now, and perhaps this trip to Germany will be the motivation I need to do it. I've also had it with my skin. I've vowed to investigate the reasons for my acne and to try to do something about it. Dermatologists are just not cutting it. I'm thinking I need to do something that will help me from the inside out, and I'm not talking antibiotics, which can often exacerbate the problem in the long run. Some initial online reading seems to indicate that probiotics and diet changes can help.

Wish me luck on sticking with some new exercise habits and changes in my lifestyle to promote better health! I'll keep you posted (no pun intended - ha ha) with how things progress.

Less of a Woman

That's right...I am less of a woman than I was last month at this time....5 pounds less:-) Yeah me! I am so excited. Maintaining a healthy weight is the one area in my life in which, I have not been successful. And now, I am finally seeing some movement on the scale.

Stress has been my main barrier. Unfortunately, adding my mother to our household and other sources of anxiety have made my weight loss efforts futile. But now, I finally feel like I have this stuff under control.

Meditation has been my biggest helper. I learned progressive relaxation and I have learned to slow down. That is such a foriegn concept to me. How am I going to get everything done if I slow down? But it actually works! By going slower, I am more deliberate and more conscious. I make less mistakes and experience everything more fully. I am slow and I love it!!

I was able to step up my workout from 2 miles to 3 miles. And viola! Success! Here's to another month and another 5 pounds. Maybe by next May, I will be 40 and fabulous!!

I Have Funny Mirrors in My House

I have written about this before but it is still relevant and bares repeating. I have funny mirrors. You know...like the kind at carnivals that distort the reflection. Well, I have them in my house. I think I look skinner than I am. I look at my reflection at home and think, "Not bad". Then, I see myself in a store window or look at pictures or on TV and think, "Who is that fat girl?" I have delusions of grandeur.

Now, my therapist says that it is healthy to have a good self-image. It is not healthy if the distortion is leading you into a physically unhealthy situation. That's where I am at. Blood pressure up. Bad cholesterol up. Good cholesterol down. Now, I have added acid reflux to the mix too. No fun. And I want to know how I went from this 6 years ago:

to this now:

So, I have got to do something and you all are my something. I am going to bare my soul to my friends and the blogosphere and say the number. THE number. Here is goes...I am 5'3" and I weigh 216.5!! There...I said it. Now, once a month, I will let you know how I am doing. Accountability is your task. And that first picture, is going on my vision board .

Now, this goal is in direction contradiction to my other blog so for these posts, pay no attention to the fat girl behind the other curtain:-)