Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Progress in New Years Resolutions...0

My New Year's resolutions this year were to cook more, use my Wii Fit at least twice a week and manage my time better, so that I can get more out of my life. So far this year, I am 0 for 3. It appears that the third resolution directly affects the other two since working late nearly every night for the past three weeks has me getting home at 7 or later each night too exhausted to cook. I have also been putting in overtime on the weekends.

I have managed to go to the gym a couple times a week (I am getting back up to 3 this week) but the Wii fit is supposed to be my routine on the days that I don't go. And tonight's blog is compliments of the dishes that have been sitting in the sink since Sunday evening that will probably be there until Saturday. I know if I had kids there is no way this would do, but, aside from waking up tomorrow morning earlier than 5:30 (if I take the bus) or 6 if I sleep in and drive, I am not sure what else I can do. I am talking to my boss tomorrow, hopefully this will help. Keep your fingers crossed.

Note the time of this post- I think sleep is going to win! Dishes will have to wait until this weekend when I get the house ready for the inlaws and celebrating my husband's birthday.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Senario of Defeat

Sunday: Power Outage...for the third time in 5 weeks.

Monday: I move mountains and align moons to get my mom to a rescheduled doctor's appointment on my youngest daughter's day off from school. We get there in plenty of time only to be told that the appointment is for next Monday. it's not! These people don't understand how delicate my calendar is. I KNOW the appointment was for this Monday. They screwed up but it is my time that gets wasted.

Tuesday: I wake to find that younger daughter has slept in her own vomit. So, the nice little two loads of laundry I was going to do has multiplied into 5 (it went over EVERYTHING!) But, I somehow get it all done before she returns home from school. I even make a healthy and tasty dinner for the family. I then contently drive off to the school for a PTO meeting. NO ONE is there!! I get home and recheck the bulletin and sure enough...Tuesday, January 19th in room 201. Oh no there wasn't!! Oh and then, same daughter tells me she just spilled juice all over the sheets and comforter and EVERYTHING that I just spent ALL morning cleaning for her!!!!!

So tell me, what does a normal person do in reaction to spewing children and disrespectful people who waste your precious time? Do you know what I do? I eat. And so I did. Fail:-(

P.S. I am writing this on Tuesday night. In the event that more such frustrations are presented to me this week, by the time you read this, I will be shaking in the corner with a shit-eating grin framed by cake sharpnel and massive twitching. I should not be held responsible for my actions:-)

Friday, January 22, 2010

Can You Nag Without Nagging?

After more than three years, I still haven't mastered this one. When it comes to trying to get my husband to remember to call to make an appointment to go to the doctor or take out the garbage, we seem to have a problem. I hate doing it, it makes me feel like his mom. There are occasions when he thinks of things on his own, but, housework and going to the doctor are usually not usually one of them and it drives me batty sometimes.

I would love to come home at the end of the day and not feel guilty that the dishes haven't been done or the cat's litter boxes haven't been cleaned for a couple days. Sometimes I am successful in getting him to tell me to reinind him and he promises he won't get mad. But then, it starts all over again the next week.

The health issue has really got me in a tif this week because he is having back problems and I am reasonably certain he has some pinched disks or worse. He hasn't seen a regular doctor in years, so a specialist is even more unlikely. He asks me if I think he might have a kidney infection because his sides hurt as well (but he doesn't have any of the other symptoms and I am not a doctor, I explain). This is the 2nd time in a couple of months, he has been dealing with this off and on through the years and he still won't go. Any advice?

Saturday, January 16, 2010

How the Fat Girl Ate Susie: Part 3

So, a habit forms for one reason but perpetuates for another. Since I have established that my eating disorder originated with my mother, now I need to figure out why it continues. The easy answer: it works. When I feel anxiety, I eat. When I feel unsecure, I eat. Whenever I do anything, I eat. I have to train my brain to shift 30 years of thinking and feeling in order to be successful.

How do I do that? Replace with one behavior with another. I have also found that I am an obcessive tracker. I track everything. I track my schedule. I track my stats on my blog. I track my income. So so, I am tracking my stats. I track my calorie intack and out take. I am working on the Wii which is a trackers dream and I am tracking my steps on my I-touch with a .99 cent application (Burn Fat). I have decided that my obcessive complusive behavior will finally serve me well.

And how is it going? Well, I have lost 6 pounds since the 10th!! Go Susie go! I will get you out of that fat girl yet:-)

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Pain- one of life's challenges

Last week I began my work out routine with a renewed energy that I hadn't had in weeks. Perhaps, it had to do with a good Christmas and New Years and a renewed optimism. Perhaps it had to do with all the new people who had joined my fight and were working out and walking along side me at the gym. This time of year is always remarkable to me because it is crazy busy every where you go- the gym is more crowded with people trying to put forth a good effort on the new years resolution, people are volunteering more, people are taking more classes towards their career or for relaxation... it is inspiring. Hopefully, the trend will continue.

Having recently graduated from working with my trainer, I was looking forward to developing my own routine and determining a new diet that might get me better results. I have been to the doctor and realized that perhaps what I was eating was good for some people who wanted to lose weight, but, not all components were helping me with other problems in my body such as a hormone imbalance. I am still working on this.

Then it happened. I hurt my shoulder working out; more specifically my rotator cup. Like any novice athlete I shrugged it off and thought I could deal with the pain. I had problems before so perhaps I could just return to doing some of the physical therapy exercises I had been taught and ice and heat it occasionally until it felt better. The last two nights, however, it has gotten progressively worse as I sleep. I barely got three hours of rest last night, so I am headed to the clinic to check it out and get some better pain meds. I am praying this is just a hiccup. I don't want anything to deter me from being able to get back in the swing after the new year. It seems that just when you think you have it down, life throws a little (or big) challenge your way. I am determined not to let it get the best of me.

Monday, January 11, 2010

How the Fat Girl Ate Susie: Part 2

What happens to a young girl when she witnessed the actual crushing of her mother's spirit? A big hole forms in her center that she can never fill. Not with men. Not with drugs. Not with alcohol and not with food.

That is how my unnatural relationship with food began. I knew at that moment that I no longer had a mother. I knew that I was going to have to figure everything out on my own. I would never have a soft place to fall again. I knew that things would never be right. That I would never be right.

I found myself alone in my room sobbing over a tough day at school. But then, I remembered the Ding Dongs in the cubboard and I downed the box. The smell of the chocolate was soothing. My troubles seemed to float away as the soft cakes melted in my mouth. The hug I needed on the outside was replaced by swallowing the soft cakes; like a hug inside.

But as swiftly as the love came, is how fast it left. Soon after the consumption, I was on the cold tile floor, returning the Ding Dongs from wence it came. Even their comfort came at a price. Why does everything have to be so hard?

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

New Year- New Plans Version 2

Progress on the most important things in life doesn't always move at lightening speed. It takes small steps and patience. Being patient is something I have gotten better at this past year. It's 2010 and as I look back at my list of new years resolutions from last year, I can't help but, be a little disappointed that things have not moved at a faster pace than I would like.

The following has been changed from what was originally published on Wednesday. I am happy to say that my cold is much better and so is my attitude: Instead of taking stock in the things that did not happen, I am going to take stock in the things that have. I am eating healthier breakfasts, lunches and snacks than ever befor - less processed and more natural foods including fruits and vegetables. I managed to lose 10 pounds and build more muscle. And now, I actually enjoy working out. I work out three to four time a week lifting weights, walking/sprinting, and doing yoga. It is something that my husband I enjoy doing together. My friend Janet is also sometimes along for the ride. I used to work with a trainer who really got me started, but, this year I am determined to prove that I can do this on my own.

Making dinner is a little harder since most nights I do not get home until closer to 7pm. The days I work out, we don't cook because its usually after 9. The days I don't work out, we still don't cook often enough... This is what I am going to work on this year- better meal planning, slow cooking, cooking on weekends, and finding things that my husband and I can and want to prepare following a day in the glamorous land of cubicles and computers or a day in front of K-3rd graders who just want to be outside (whichever the case may be.) Does anyone have any suggestions for cook books that will be helpful in this endeavor? And don't just tell me Rachel Ray- there has got to be more out there!

Monday, January 4, 2010

How the Fat Girl Ate Susie: Part 1

I remember the day she gave up. She was sitting on the couch, exhausted from taking care of everyone all day. He came home and belittled her because the kid's toys weren't picked up.

"What do you do all day?", he snapped. Cliche now; the straw that broke a mother's spirit then. He didn't know the venom in his words.

She didn't say a word but, you could actually see the shift in her. The white flag of defeat was waving in her eyes. The weight of the world fell off her shoulders. The jovial laugh that shook the house with joy was silenced for good. It was then she resolved to do nothing. It was to show him her value. The problem was she became her resolution; she was nothing.

Nothing was her safe place. If she did nothing, she would not be required to engage anyone. If she didn't engage with anyone, she wouldn't get hurt. But it wasn't enough to do nothing. There had to be a mechanism in which to cope.

Food as her drug of choice. It couldn't be cigarettes or alcohol. Those were his vices and they were dispicable. But was her friend. Food was always there. Food was socially acceptable. Food would always make her feel better. Food numbed the pain.

And so, she stayed on that couch...the couch where the surrender was made. And it was there the legacy began...