In Through the Front Door

Well, my mom is home from her latest medical ordeal. I knew that her catherization was going too smoothly and my fears were well founded because she did develop complications. I find myself desensitized to even the most serious of situations: the ICU. Her life threatening events have become par for the course for me. In my systematic numbing, I have learned something very unsettling: not all patients are created equal.

It isn't a prejudice that we are used to. It isn't race or religious affiliation that causes the deviation in handling. No. In my vast experience in the haloed halls of these establishments, the difference is how you get there.

If you are admitted to the hospital through the ER, the goal is treat and street. This is espeically true if your physican does not hold privilleges at the hospital of your choice. If that happens, you are an unarmed solider in your battle to return back to your baseline. Your attempt to try to enter the "back door of the hospital", will result in them throwing a bandaid on a gapping head wound and sending you home before you can even sit up. And, it is not only the fault of the doctors. The insurance company views you the same way. If you don't have the good sense to prevent yourself from ending up in the ER, the mighty insurance company will not grant you the wish of mending you back to health.

On the other hand, if you are lucky enough to find a doctor who will admit you to the hospital, then you get the red carpet treatment. Upon your arrival, your gold plated invitation to the dance is confirmed and your wheelchair chariot will gently carry you off to your party destination. The lyrics to your tune is "just a precaution" this and "just to be safe" that. The insurance company will fall over itself to get you to accomodations that your situation requires. And when you are fully recovered, nurse and doctors salute your departure like cruise ship employees. You can breathe freely knowing that you came in the "front door".

So the moral of the story is, if you are going to have a catastrophic event, make sure that your doctor is there to greet you at the right door!

I Am Exhausted

That is pretty much how it is going over here....exhausted. Last week's trials with my mother's healthcare has left me spent with little or nothing to give. I tried to blow off some steam this weekend but I fear, it has only delayed the problem.

In my house, we live in a culture of sickness. Her illness permiates the house. Joy is supressed before it even has a chance to flourish by the constant nagging afflictions that she brings us. I am wasting my youth in her decay. From that, my spirit is abating. How can I be in this vocation that I was born with? How did her problems become my fate? I struggle with this everyday. I will be straddled with this corrosion until the day she leaves this earth. By then, I will have been squandered.

Managing Stress

My mother had an abnormal stress test. This has resulted in an echocardiogram Tuesday to see if the valve she had replaced in 2000 is leaking. If it is, she needs surgery. Then on Wednesday, she is having a catherization to find if there are any blockages in her arteries. If there are, she will get a stent or angioplasty or surgery. So, as you can see, I am going to be under a lot of stress over the next couple days.

My job is to get her to her appointments, be there for any questions the doctor has for her, communicate to the family what is going on and make any hard decisions that need to be made. That's quite a bit for one person so, I am implementing all of my stress relieving arsenals that I learned in therapy. Deep breathing. Slow down. Focus. It's pretty scary but, I have been here before and I am sure that I will be back. All of my struggles before will not be in vain if I can maintain myself through this again.

So, if you could find the time to send me some positive energy on Tuesday and Wednesday, I would really appreciate it:-) I have tools but...everyone needs a little help now and then, right?

Sometimes Caregiving Blows

I am exhausted! I am feeling physically drained. Sometimes, I just get overwhelmed with everything I have on my plate but this week, my mom has really done a number on me.

She has had the flu for 2 weeks. She just sounds awful but I am just sick of going to the doctor with her. I had an appointment-free week planned for her which is rare. Seriously, she has a general practioner, a cardiologist, a diabeties doctor, a gynocologist, a dentist, an eye doctor, a retina specialist, defibulator doctor, a cancer doctor and now, she is going to have a respitory doctor too! Therefore, if each doctor wants to see her just once a year (it's more like 2 or 3 times a year) that's one appointment every month for 10 months! Really, it is more like once a week.

In addition to her health, she just got turned down for some government funding. So now, I have to figure out how to fund the rest of her life, her future care and her final arrangements. She spends half of her money on her medication and copays for all those doctors ($30 a pop) and the rest on food and shelter. I have bill collectors calling the house all the time for her. As her power of attourney I basically tell them, they can have $5 a month and that's it. It's ridiculous!!

On top of everything else, she has to get a breathing machine to deal with her recently diagnosed sleep apnea. I have no idea how she is going to pay for that either.

This isn't new. She has been a physical, emotional and financial mess her whole life. Imagine growing up as her daughter. I can't believe that I am not in a straight jacket shaking in the corner. It's a miracle that I am as together as I am. I guess I can take solice in that. But sometimes, the whole thing just makes me tired:-(