I pondered this question when I was thinking of ideas for this blog. What kind of woman am I? What kind of woman do I want to be? This is what I came up with:
I have a perfect example of what kind of woman I don't want to be: my mother. She is sickly; I want to be healthy. She is a "Nervous Nelly"; I want to be able to handle things well. She is helpless; I want to be independent. She is weak; I want to be strong. She is an eternal victim; I want to be my own hero. Every decision I have ever made has been in direct reaction to something she is.
It is difficult growing up when your mother is a mess. I didn't have a good example on how things should be done. I didn't have footing...heck I didn't even have a rug to be pulled out from underneath me. All I have ever had is me and myself and I. I have learned everything on my own and I have spent half of my life trying to get the love that I need. In the meantime, everyone else has gotten college educations, great careers and a wonderful start.
Now, don't get me wrong...I am not whinning. I am just recapping in the interest of establishing my point of view. I am the only one out of the five of us who does not have a college education. So, I may be the least eloquent but I am every bit as smart as everyone else. I have a lot to offer from the school of hard knocks. I empathize with other peoples struggles because I have had a least than ideal approach to life.
Now that I have found someone to love me for me, I have the freedom to spread my wings. I don't have to worry about finding a place to belong. I belong here. I no longer have to be the loudest just to be heard. I don't have to be the life of the party to be invited. I don't have to be larger than life just to know that I exist. Now that I am out from under the pain, I am trying to be less narassistic. But, my therapist tells me that a narassist doesn't ask if they are narassistic. Hee, hee, hee.
What I do have to worry about is being the type of woman that my girls can be proud of. And so, what kind of woman am I? I am a loving woman. I am a strong woman. I am a smart woman. I am a creative woman. I am a proud woman. I am a kind woman. I am a nuturing woman. I am a funny woman. I am a determined woman. And these are the descriptions that will lead me forward in addressing you.