How the Fat Girl Ate Susie: Part 3

So, a habit forms for one reason but perpetuates for another. Since I have established that my eating disorder originated with my mother, now I need to figure out why it continues. The easy answer: it works. When I feel anxiety, I eat. When I feel unsecure, I eat. Whenever I do anything, I eat. I have to train my brain to shift 30 years of thinking and feeling in order to be successful.

How do I do that? Replace with one behavior with another. I have also found that I am an obcessive tracker. I track everything. I track my schedule. I track my stats on my blog. I track my income. So so, I am tracking my stats. I track my calorie intack and out take. I am working on the Wii which is a trackers dream and I am tracking my steps on my I-touch with a .99 cent application (Burn Fat). I have decided that my obcessive complusive behavior will finally serve me well.

And how is it going? Well, I have lost 6 pounds since the 10th!! Go Susie go! I will get you out of that fat girl yet:-)

How the Fat Girl Ate Susie: Part 2

What happens to a young girl when she witnessed the actual crushing of her mother's spirit? A big hole forms in her center that she can never fill. Not with men. Not with drugs. Not with alcohol and not with food.

That is how my unnatural relationship with food began. I knew at that moment that I no longer had a mother. I knew that I was going to have to figure everything out on my own. I would never have a soft place to fall again. I knew that things would never be right. That I would never be right.

I found myself alone in my room sobbing over a tough day at school. But then, I remembered the Ding Dongs in the cubboard and I downed the box. The smell of the chocolate was soothing. My troubles seemed to float away as the soft cakes melted in my mouth. The hug I needed on the outside was replaced by swallowing the soft cakes; like a hug inside.

But as swiftly as the love came, is how fast it left. Soon after the consumption, I was on the cold tile floor, returning the Ding Dongs from wence it came. Even their comfort came at a price. Why does everything have to be so hard?

How the Fat Girl Ate Susie: Part 1

I remember the day she gave up. She was sitting on the couch, exhausted from taking care of everyone all day. He came home and belittled her because the kid's toys weren't picked up.

"What do you do all day?", he snapped. Cliche now; the straw that broke a mother's spirit then. He didn't know the venom in his words.

She didn't say a word but, you could actually see the shift in her. The white flag of defeat was waving in her eyes. The weight of the world fell off her shoulders. The jovial laugh that shook the house with joy was silenced for good. It was then she resolved to do nothing. It was to show him her value. The problem was she became her resolution; she was nothing.

Nothing was her safe place. If she did nothing, she would not be required to engage anyone. If she didn't engage with anyone, she wouldn't get hurt. But it wasn't enough to do nothing. There had to be a mechanism in which to cope.

Food as her drug of choice. It couldn't be cigarettes or alcohol. Those were his vices and they were dispicable. But food...food was her friend. Food was always there. Food was socially acceptable. Food would always make her feel better. Food numbed the pain.

And so, she stayed on that couch...the couch where the surrender was made. And it was there the legacy began...